Listening to “Let the sunshine in” on repeat and crying.
Insomnia. Not that I cannot sleep. I don’t want to sleep. Why sleep? When you can cry 🙂 When there is this attractive option of listening all that Youtube has to offer in the melancholic- cathartic range? And cry my eyes out.
Yes, crying is okay, by the way. I think the world needs to hear this. Unfortunately years of “you’re too sensitive/ sensitive=bad” conditioning is still lurking with its remaining effects in me, though I tried, yeah, I tried so hard to redefine this deadly mantra to myself into something more human-friendly. Like, you know, emotions are normal. Human. To feel is to be alive. Emotions are not the enemy, they are the compass towards your souls desire.
But then again. Rewriting childhood conditioning is not child’s play. Apparently.
I’ve been thinking yesterday about this girl, a former classmate from high school, a self proclaimed “sensitive”. This girl was like the posterchild of “look at me I’m so sensitive, look at me how I’m singing in the rain”. Something just didn’t add up for me. It took me a while to realise, that this girl was not faced with constant criticism about her sensitivity, actually it was embraced and appreciated. I looked at her chart yesterday out of curiosity, and interestingly enough, there was no drop of water there (I’m not saying you cannot be sensitive unless you’re drowning but still..). Loads of Libra with moon in Leo. Well yeah, if figures. Her Moon wanted to be seen. But why not?
The Moon also needs to be seen. Recognised. And yes, I’m thinking of emotional validation right now. We have so much to learn, still, even in 2016.
I quietly assigned myself the role in this never ending battle to raise awareness around the validity and importance of our emotions. I think maybe I’ve been too quiet about this until now. Still, I’m also part of the crowd who’s never been taught to listen to their emotions. To make it more interesting, I’ve been raised in a household where nobody talked about anything but concrete material stuff. Feelings were somehow shameful to talk about. The word love was like something dirty. It sounds insane but this is how it felt for me. How do you feel? You could feel – tired, sleepy, happy or had enough of something. That’s about it. Except all that was physical of course. It was okay to feel physical pain. That made sense.
Being a child of two water Sun parents (Scorpio and Pisces) -and still I was the identified patient in the family. The overly sensitive child who they could never understand. Where is she coming from with all those emotions. What is she talking about? I was actually not talking about my emotions because nobody taught me the language. When I was about twelve, I learned a new word: “frustration” and it became my favourite. I just resonated with that word so much.
So I think this type of Chironic fight for the freedom of emotional expression might need a bit more preparation from my side. A bit more self-convincing work on the legitimacy of my cause. Otherwise I’ll end up after every battle like I did today following a discussion with a colleague where I tried to raise awareness about looking at physical illnesses also from an emotional point of view – as I believe they have an emotional side or root cause in many cases as well. But my cause got lost among the reactions of “you’re too abstract for me to understand” and “if a knowledge cannot be explained logically and made specific, that is a useless knowledge”..
But emotions contain information. They can show us direction, they can remind us what is good or bad for us. But they are not concrete. We are so used to see the world as a sum of concrete and separate material pieces of things, that we want to translate everything to that kind of experience. Well, sometimes it’s not working. Maybe we should start learning a new language. And switch our brain to non-linear mode. Just for a while. Can we do that?
I have a dream…To be able to cry freely in the middle of the crowd. To be able to laugh freely in a work meeting. To express love freely towards people I just met. To feel freely. Whenever, wherever. To express our soul freely. To not to be afraid to say I’m afraid.
What I need the most is what I fear the most…to lose myself with others…in others. And to find the long lost pieces of my soul in the ocean of honest, authentic smiles and tears. To feel at home… for the first time….