My first Solar Return…

This is like those gossip articles titled “This celebrity killed that celebrity” followed by the first paragraph where it’s stated that this happened, of course, in their new movie.
The same way, I had my first solar return today…since I discovered astrology and, of course, since I learned that there is such a thing as “solar return.”

Apparently solar returns (meaning the sun is in the exact same position as it was on the day you were born) don’t need to happen every time on your birthday, they can take place as well a day before or after you were born. I’m not sure if there can be an even bigger time distance between the solar return and the birthday.
My solar return this year was a day before my birthday, and the exact time fell at about 5pm. I read a couple of interesting articles about the idea of Solar Return Meditation. In the idea, that this would be the right moment to connect to yourself and maybe something bigger than yourself, this made a lot of sense to me. I’m really interested in rituals and their timings, I think there is a great power behind aligning ourselves with nature. If I wouldn’t think that I wouldn’t be into astrology, possibly.
I’m also a big supporter of the meditation practice, though, in my case, it’s not the easiest thing to do, when it comes to “silencing the crazy monkey” i.e. the mind.

So I decided to give it a go today, and even though I was supposed to be at work at that time, I managed to take a short (well, about one hour..) break, and walked through the park nearby, after which I ended up in another park, on a bench. I felt happier and happier, as the sun was shining, and I was really grateful that the sun, “my sun” was out, supporting me. I realised how easy it is to change my mood, to smile, to be grateful. Of course, other times it seems outright impossible. But this is the flow of life, and I accepted at that moment to go with it.
I made myself a list yesterday evening about what I would like to accomplish next year – among other things, becoming more confident, doing work that makes me feel satisfied and where I can be helpful, being with people with whom I feel content, more music and dancing, more patience (yeah, a big one..) for learning and hobbies, the ability to keep the motivation for my hobbies and blog writing :), and there were also some more specific wishes as well.
Now, I’m not one who does this a lot, I am usually more focused on inner-work, digging into deep dark issues of mine – this is how I’m usually approaching the self-healing, more like with the plutonian touch…

Manifesting exercises, for me, usually end in fear – I’m afraid that I will blow it, and then I realise that fear would attract fear, so I just stop before I make it worse, haha.

But now it just seemed right. Solar return is about smiling, being happy, feeling alive, being in the spotlight. The perfect moment to get in touch with our deepest desires and see them coming true.

And while I was sitting on that bench, enjoying the sunlight, smiling and thinking about my wishlist, I realised something. Sitting with the desires and wishes of whatever I want will not bring me what I want – it will only attract more moments of wishing and desiring and dreaming of what I want. This is why, maybe, lately I felt that disappointment about not being somehow able to do anything, but always dreaming about doing things. Well, it makes perfect sense. If I’m mainly practicing dreaming about stuff, I’ll get very good at that. But the actual stuff will stay there, in mid air.
So, to bring the “stuff” down, I started imagining how it would feel like if I would be doing the work that makes me happy, if I would be in the activities I’d wish to be in, if I would be with the people I wish to be with. I wasn’t on wishing mode anymore, I was basically living the feeling.
And I realised a few things – firstly, that maybe it’s easier to wish for something than to actually imagine how it would feel like having/ doing that thing. And secondly…that maybe, sometimes, the actual dream, the wish, feels so good, that we want to stay there, we want to live in that wishing state of mind, rather than to be “in the doing”, as staying the first one can never disappoint us. If you look around the web, everyone tells you to go out and do something to make your dreams come true. But I wonder, do we really want them to come true? I think, in my case, the first step towards fulfilling dreams is facing the the fact that I’m more attached to how it actually feels to dream about what I want, rather than to my actual wish. And maybe, sometimes, that’s enough. Maybe it’s even better, if I can be the actor in so many possible scenarios in my mind – it’s like living hundreds of lives at once.
And if you ask me, do I want my dreams to come true? Of course I do – always. It’s the only way to be able to keep dreaming.


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